This is too much.
I can't believe this.
I was tempted to touch.
I consumed it.
I lost 20 pounds.
I tried to get through it.
But my mind wouldn't let me.

Thinking of you...
don't know why...
I had too.
I had to try.

I'm sorry. but it's my way of life now.
Until I die.
---------------------------

Friday October 24th

I went to Downtown, to try to get my mind off things, I hung out with Timmy, It was cold. We talked and walked around, then we went home. I slept on his floor, trying to hide my tears. Thinking about the bed Bryan and I used to share... Anyways, I felt out of place for the first time... I was scared. I was nervous.

Saturday October 25th

We woke up. Well I didn't sleep. He got ready to go to the village, I got ready too. We were going to meet Gil, Connor, Evan, Tash, & Porsha.

I got very nervous, and upset. I couldn't take it anymore...

Timmy, got a vile of powder out. It was 'K', I took out a 5 dollar bill and rolled it up. Then I stuck it in my nose, and I snorted all the powder up. Then he did the same. I felt poison, needles drip at the back of my throat, my vision getting fuzzier by the minute. Without a second thought. He pulled out the Extacy. A red one this time. He gave it to me, I was soo nervous. I thought that this was my only way out. So I put it in my mouth, god it tasted fowl. I swallowed it then drank some orange juice. We got to the park in the village about 15 mins after we got k-tarted and e-tarded. I was so disfunctional. We all got together, played never have I ever, and got drunk. I had A TON of Gil's Vena Blush. I had some of Connors Bacardi and I had some of Evans Rev, & Vodka. We ran out of alcohol so we bought some more. I was pissing drunk, fucked out of my mind and then what do ya know. Gil pulls out a pipe and we smoke a couple bowls of pot. I cannot belive myself.

Get out of my fucking head.
Let me leave this earth. Let me die.

You stood there and watched as your dad threw me outside, you watched him yell and scream at me. He put his hands on me, he hurt me. You let it all happen. It sickens me to know that you left me out in the cold, hurting. It hurts to know that no matter how much I cry, or how hard I try, no matter what I say or what I do, I'll never see the love from you. I'll never get the love you once promised. I sit here crying every single fucking day over you. I can't go on like this, not anymore. I can't do it anymore. I can't.

You and your fucking ass-hole family fucked me over. They brought me to live with you I didn't say anything. They forced me to do the things I did. It's all their plan.

You never wanted to talk things over with me, you never called me, and you fucking lied straight to my face. You believe what 'they' say, your drunk dad, and your simple minded mom. Your brother who thrives on drama and wants everything his way.

I tried to set things right and you wouldn't let me.
All you do chicken out, you coward.
You wasted 7 months of my life.
You didn't even try.
You're a fucking asshole.
You really fucking are.

Go have fun, with your friends. Go mosh at your cousins gigs. Go flirt with other boys. Go change your body. Go let other people condition you. Go tell your mommy everything about me, Go believe what your dad and Liam say about me. Because When your brothers go off on their own, and when your parents get old and die. You will be on your fucking own. I always wanted to take care of you. I just needed time and someone to talk to to sort things out. But no one would, not even you. You fucking jerk. You fucking prick. You know what, ...

ONE DAY SOON, IT'S ALL GOING TO END FOR ME. I WILL BE GONE, AND YOU...YOU FUCKING CARELESS SON OF A BITCH...WILL LIVE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, Abandoned. You want to know what true abandonment is? Then I'll show you.

Goodbye then.
One Last Journal, in the future. One Final moment. Then...It's Goodbye forever.



Forever Drugged Until death. Avi.